BLUEJAY: Prologue

Out, slowly. In, slowly. Black. Cold ground. Cold wall. Stings at my fingertips, grinding into my arms. Huffs of clouds, carrying particles of my soul into the dark blue void. Where is the warmth that i once felt?

‚i abandoned it.‘

something in the distant screamed in resistance. It was like a song, reminding me of the time when everything seemed blessed. Anointed. A dry chuckle leaves my lips. ‚Before I left, before He came, before he left.‘
It was nonsense, but not to me. As I said those words, memories flashed before me and drugged me with distant joy, that I was convinced to never feel again. A knot inside of me untied and a wave of cold tingling scrunched up my face. Tears began to flow. My eyes hurt from all of the cries I had before. I was too weak to weep, and the pain hit the floor, sounding like gunshots in my ears.

He was gone.


Having to be strong for the people you love and care about when you yourself are worn out, carries you to your very limits. You try your best and you are able to appear strong, so that you can be somebody who lifts your loved ones up, and be the shoulder they can cry on.
You look at them with a confident smile and say, ‚It’s fine. I’m here.‘ It eases you up when they thank you, when they sleep in with peace, when they get to see a glimmer of hope. But when the door is closed, you break down and kneel. All of their burdens are yours as well, and you seek for a way to ease this weight just a little. Where in the world do you find it? I tell you, you won’t find it in worldly things.
Being where I am now physically and mentally I can see why people give in. But I have drank from a well of ever flourishing source of love. Jesus.
I don’t want to know where I would or would not be if I had not asked Him for strength and a shower of warmth and protection. I am weak as a person, but only in Christ I am the strongest I will ever be.

My father said that it’s funny how people forget God in their daily lives and don’t need Him but when crisis happens they shout: ‚Oh my God!‘ And when it’s fixed they turn away from Him, again.
It may be just a word that releases you from the hurt. But it is a matter of heart and intention.


Wir alle haben doch diese check-liste in unserem kopf auf der wir festhalten was wir noch in unserem Leben machen wollen. Aber was wenn wir nichts mehr davon machen könnten? Wäre uns das trotzdem genug? Wenn man so am Meer steht und den Rand seiner Welt sehen kann wird die Stimme der Unendlichkeit zu einem tosenden Sturm der unüberhörbar nach einem ruft. #christoteama #santander

Nuestra Esperanza

Das ist aus vielen Gründen einer meiner liebsten Verse, vorallem aber weil er immer wieder auftaucht. Que seas fuerte y valoroso! Auf spanisch bleibt es dieselbe Nachricht: Seid tapfer und habt keine Angst denn Gott ist bei euch, zu jeder Zeit und an jedem Ort!
Das ist eine der Erfahrungen, die ich am Reisen liebe. Die Menschen, die Kultur, die Sprache, das Essen – wenn man weit genug geht scheint sich alles zu ändern. Doch Einer bleibt beständig wie sonst Nichts, der der alles erfunden hat, jedes Lächeln und jede Träne von mir zählt und die Welle schon kennt bevor der Wind aufkommt.
Gott war, ist und bleibt derselbe.
nuestra esperanzaholyshit2